Trying To Conceive & The Battle of uncertainty & control

In life, we humans often partake in this battle of uncertainty and control.

Life is inherently uncertain.
It makes sense then that reproduction would also be uncertain.

As a perinatal therapist, I find myself frequently talking about how uncertainty and control are themes that mark everyone’s reproductive and perinatal time period.

But, when we are struggling to conceive, we are struck with just how uncertain and out of control life can be, and how the things we love, value, and desire most don’t always get to be an exception.

If you are on a difficult journey to conceive, you might know well the grip of uncertainty and the devastation and grief that can come with not being in control that this journey so often includes.

Fertility treatments and assisted reproduction methods are a great option for many families. There are protocols to follow, procedures to undergo, supplements and medications to take, and methods of decreasing systemic inflammation that all offer hopeful outcomes.

And, I want to talk about a tricky slippery slope that these processes can easily lend themselves to. It’s a sticky belief system that I find many clients getting stuck in when we start working together, and it goes something like this:

'“if I just do everything right, I can make my body have a baby.”

I want you to read that again and feel how that statement feels in your body. Is there tightness and tension or relaxation and openness? Is there a pit in your stomach? Is your body leaning forward or back? What else is happening?

I want you to read that statement one time and notice if it’s something you’ve found yourself thinking before.

Here’s the thing:

The more this belief system starts to take hold, the more we hammer in shame and build a core belief of:

“I am broken and wrong.”

The more we let this belief system (of “If I just do everything right….”) lead our actions, the more we feed rigidity and fall into obsessions and compulsions around health, wellness, and pretty soon, all of our life.

This is how we fall into the grips of anxiety and depression. This is how we stop actually living life.

If any of these words in this blog post feel at all resonant with your experience right now, please consider this:

There is grief in confronting that we might not be able to control the outcomes of life. But this is an inherent truth about life that we must accept, even if it means leaning into the distress or discomfort it brings us. And, grief is different than anxiety and depression. Grief, if we allow it, can transform us. It can open us up to greater depths of love and gratitude and deeper ways of living life. If you are in the throws of grief right now, those words might sound wuwu and sugar coated, but I promise you it’s possible.

And here’s the thing: the alternative to confronting and feeling our grief is grasping for control. This only keeps us stuck in compulsions, rigidity, fear and shame. And in many ways, keeps us from really living life at all. Grasping for control keeps us stuck in anxiety and depression.

I’m not saying that you should not utilize fertility treatments or assisted reproductive methods! These are amazing resources.

I’m saying it’s a good idea to keep close tabs on the thought patterns that emerge as you go through this process. I’m saying it’s important to have supports and strategies that help you foster courage, compassion, and trust- even in the face of loss, uncertainty, and being out of control of it all. Know that this too is motherhood, parenthood, reproduction, and, well, life. I’m saying that if you are starting to notice a thought emerge that sounds like-

'“if I just do everything right, I can make my body have a baby”-

It might be time to start therapy. Because in these moments, what we actually have to do is confront and feel our feelings of fear, grief, and shame and let them transform us instead of consume us. And we must continue to live our lives.

If you resonated with this article and/or are on a difficult journey to conceive and would like support, please contact me directly to chat more.